i dont regret things enough, and maybe thats a sign of my complacency in life. i dont spend enough time thinking about what actually matters. i say i think a lot, yet i never think - if that makes any sense.
my senior year of high school, my last couple months of being a "kid" are coming up. grade 12 in a few days and 18 in a few months. and yet i still feel like that scrawny 15 year old from the start of high school. what have i even learnt? other than some terms in math and how to write an essay, i have stagnated as a human being.
while i dont want to believe that, the fact i cant remember any significant moment in my life since the start of school just goes to show how pathetic ive let myself become. i prioritize cheap thrills and looking like ive accomplished something meaningful over actual substance. i use big words that dont even get what i want across, just to make me sound more poetic.
i am a performer, i put on an act. im nothing that i say i am, but i dont want to believe that. i used to think that what separated from losers was that fact i am aware of my suffering, but that only puts me on a level beneath them. hope isnt worth anything, just as coal is not. not unless you burn it.
i guess i regret not journaling more, because clearly i have so much to talk about.
back to regrets.
i dont seem to regret much, other than some truly life changing moments. sure i have my daily regrets, but i tend to forget my days as they go by. i hate that my life feels so idle.
i dont like to think about my death, and i hope its not anytime soon. but thinking about what i may be thinking during then, thats a thought i should think about more often. i guess to set myself back straight.
i regret not going outside more. seeing my friends more often. letting myself live rather than stress. not studying as much. not pursuing my hobbies. not knowing when to stop. not knowing when to start.
when i start thinking about it, i have many regrets. i can only change that now, or something.